Hello Friends, 

How are you? This story is dedicated to my amazing friend Leza Danly, who has devoted her life to helping seekers embrace and trust their authentic emotions and to live a life of gratitude and celebration. Leza is the founder of Lucid Living, a magical curriculum of online programs committed to REAL transformation.

My shift in this story came from taking a Lucid Living course. Before being a student of Lucid Living, I would throw around the phrase, "No regrets." I'd say this anthem to sound cool. Now, I realize it came from a lack of self-awareness. I have plenty of regrets. This story showcases one of them.

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When I was drafting my memoir and I looked back on what I had written so far, I noticed I wrote one scene in four different ways. It had nothing to do with moving the story forward and I noticed I was annoyed for spending so much time on it. This particular scene happened when my Grandfather’s funeral took place eleven years ago: 

Grief consisted of not only reminiscing about past moments shared but moments in the future I’ll never get to share with Dada Abu (Grandfather). 

His last years were spent in extreme loneliness and pain that he couldn’t bear. Most of his friends were dead. What would it be like if almost all the people you knew were no longer alive and your body was also betraying you? 

The one person who was close to him in his last years was Chotu (little boy), the boy who was hired to take care of him. Chotu cried quietly from time to time. His eyes shed tears without making an auditory sound while the rest of the family put up a performance of grief. I wondered how I could thank him for his generous service. I waited till I found him alone in the living room grazing his hand across Dada Abu’s books. 

“Here, I have something for you,” I extended my hand holding a thick wad of rupees. 

Chotu looked at me with his nose wrinkled, “No. I don’t want your money.” He turned and walked away leaving me with my hand stretched out clenching the rupees. 

If I could, I’d erase this scene from my memory, yet it continued to live in my archives. 

Last Friday, I attended a class called Ego Mastery. Scenes from movies and shows were presented to heighten our understanding of the ego. A particular scene gripped me from the show called Billions. In the scene, an Attorney is at a park with his children buying them ice cream. He sees a man he prosecuted also on the same line with his children. The Attorney pays for their ice cream and walks away thinking himself to be a righteous man. In reality, the Attorney was trying to avoid feeling the guilt of prosecuting the man by paying for his ice cream. 

By noticing this trick of his ego, I recognized it in my actions eleven years ago. In order to avoid feeling the guilt and sadness of not spending time with my Grandfather in his last days, I tried to make up for it by giving his Health Aid some money as if this would be a substitute. I’m grateful Chotu didn’t take the money and allow me to escape.

Although the sorrow of regret is painful, it is only through embracing this regret that I can truly change. Dan Pink states in his book, The Power of Regret: "Regret is not dangerous or abnormal, a deviation from the steady path to happiness. It is healthy and universal, an integral part of being human. Regret is also valuable. It clarifies. It instructs. Done right, it needn't drag us down; it can lift us up."

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By feeling the remorse of failing to be present for my Grandfather, I can hold compassion for myself and make a commitment to be present with my loved ones in their time of need. It was only through feeling this remorse that I could move forward. I'm grateful to Leza and Lucid Living for helping me own the messiness of regret, so I can come closer to living a more truthful and real life.

Check out Leza's blog, where she writes transcendent meaningful prose and where you can find out more about the transformational memoir she is writing.

If you liked this week's story, I'd love it if you could share it with a friend. Thank you for your continued love and support.

With love and gratitude, 

Sana Fayyaz

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