Hello Dearly Beloved Friends, 

This is your weekly edition of The Friday Five Hundred, which is a slice of my writerly life packaged in nuggets of Present, Past and Future in five hundred words or less.

Present: I’m sitting at my desk right now feeling safe and being appreciative of feeling this way. This past week, I heard about the terrorist act in Ontario where a Muslim family went out for a walk and were deliberately driven over and killed by a twenty year old man. 

A friend asked me how I feel as a visibly Muslim woman out in public? I thought about it and I feel relatively safe or perhaps it’s an illusion of safety. When I walk out, I somehow don’t think that I’m dressed differently than others. I’m still human like anyone else. Hearing about such news gets me to rethink about the safety of my family and myself. Are we really safe? 

Past: I’ve had my fair share of racist remarks being hurled at me. If I sit down and think about those moments, I can recall them. Truth is I don’t like to recall them. Instead, I like to think about the people who have been kind. Strangers who smile and say hello. Strangers who give me right of way even when it’s their turn. Strangers who compliment me on the way I dress. I’m hell bent on looking out for positivity and bypassing the negative. 

Future: Going forward, I’d like to acknowledge to myself that hate exists to the point where it can manifest into death because of the way I look. As a colonized immigrant minority woman, I’ve been taught to sweep certain things under the rug. “That’s just the way it is.” “Life is unfair.” “Just be calm and respectful because I’m representing my community and religion.” This survival instinct narrative is part of the problem. 

The most difficult task is to explain to kids that there’s an orphaned nine year old child and his family will never come back because of someone’s immense hatred. 

I felt the need to spend more time with the kids this week. A few days ago, I was outside with them and enjoyed a breathtaking rainbow that graced the sky for a few minutes. The oldest one was still absorbed in her IPad and the two younger ones were fighting quite literally over a little chunk of grass. Even with chaos, there’s a rainbow. That’s something worth remembering in times such as this.  

I hope you take good care of yourself. Please keep the late Afzaal family in your thoughts and prayers and if you feel inclined donate to their Go Fund Me Page. I’ll see you next Friday. 

Love, 

Sana Fayyaz