Hi Friends,
This is your weekly edition of the Friday Five Hundred, more or less (in this case 660 words). :D
My aching sore muscles prompted me to reschedule all my tasks on a Wednesday morning and treat myself to a massage. As I drove to the spa, a thought kept emerging in the back of my mind, “Will I be able to pick my kids up from school on time after I get done?” Even though I had done the math and knew there would be ample time, the mind started going into “what-if scenarios.” I started to worry and then I tuned into my well-deserved distraction: An audiobook, “Unwinding Anxiety” by Judson Brewer.
Brewer said, “I’m starting to think that over the years I’ve tricked myself into believing that anxiety is productive—even a reward. A thought about work arises (trigger), I jump into worrying or distraction (behavior), and I get more anxiety as a result (reward/outcome). […] A reward? It [anxiety] feels horrible. But I think I’m onto something: For me, feeling anxious, as horrible as it is, has come to seem like the 'right' way to feel, the appropriate response to having unfinished tasks ahead of me. After all, it seems logical that this kind of discomfort would lead to productivity.”
Say what, Judson? Anxiety is a reward? Ha! By this time, it was time to park and head in for my massage at a charming little blue hut located near a serene lake. If anything was going to alleviate my worries and pain, this place was the right fit. I laid down for my massage ready to let it all melt away. As the masseuse worked hard on the knots in my body, I wondered what time it was. Will I have enough time to get my kids? Shut up. You will. What if there’s traffic? What if you take a wrong turn? What if you take too long putting on your hijab? The inner struggle kept going.
My body felt lighter after the massage although I had a headache possibly from the inner dialogue. I walked towards the beautiful lake to spend some minutes by myself. Why aren’t you leaving? You are going to be late. The worry propped up again even though I had plenty of time. I stayed watching the wind caress the water in the lake, gentle ripples coming towards me. When the worry got loud enough, I decided to leave as if one of my kids had an uncontrollable tantrum at the grocery store and an evacuation became necessary.
As I drove back, I noticed my habit loop of leaning into anxiety as a way to make things happen for myself. How is anxiety a reward for me? If that is the case, then I need to do a better job at rewards. The first pick-up was Haya at daycare. When I buckled her in the car seat, I told her how I went for a massage. Haya looked at me shocked and said, “Never go for a massage, Mama.”
I asked her, “Why?”
“Because massages are so boring,” Haya revealed raising her hands up and swaying them back and forth to prove her point.
I laughed and then it dawned on me. What if I use anxiety and worry as a way to make everyday tasks more exciting?
If I had just stayed in that present moment without worry, that wouldn’t be a story worth telling. As of now, I’m noticing this habit loop and not rushing to solutions. I’m appreciating how my mind works to keep the wheels turning in my life. I’m not worried about undoing this loop as of now and that’s a good place to start for any change to happen.
I’m eager to know if you have a similar habit loop when it comes to anxiety. What happens when you notice it and just let it be?
I’ll see you next Friday.
Anxiously Yours,
Sana Fayyaz
P.S: If this email gave you anxiety (sorry), why not share it with a friend?
