Some of our 90 day challenge participants are either actively looking for a D/s relationship within the BDSM scene, or trying to make their entry into the scene. Others are part of long term relationships with established boundaries. Either way, negotiation is important. Whether you’re just beginning, or are a long time player, having good negotiating skills is important.

What is negotiation in BDSM?
A way to define the limits of the scene or relationship, determine the level of acceptable risk for each person, and make sure there’s active consent.

REMEMBER that just because something was part of the negotiation, it doesn’t mean you’re obligated to do it. You can always change your mind!

The challenge this week is to, using the outline below, engage in a negotiation with your partner. Or, if you’re unpartnered, consider the questions so you’re prepared for a future negotiation.

For those in long term D/s type relationships this may feel too formal, however I would suggest that you can still use an abbreviated form of this outline for a quick, post-scene post-mortem. What worked for you during that interaction? What didn’t? What would you like more, or less, of? Did you react in a way that you thought you were conveying important information to your partner and they missed it? 

How do you prepare for a negotiation? 

Know your boundaries
Know your hard and soft limits – checklists are helpful. Don’t forget that Tops/Dominants have limits too. Both parties should fill one out!

Know your goals for the interaction, and be honest about them. Use explicit language and don’t be shy. It’s important that both parties are on the same page.
**Don’t say ‘I don’t know, whatever you want’. Have some ideas about what you’re expecting or looking for**

When should you negotiate:
Before you play for the first time
Or again
After you’ve played
At the start of a new relationship
In the middle of an old relationship 

Things to think about while negotiating play or a relationship:
Who/What/Where/When/Why/How/Who is involved- another place a checklist can be helpful
It’s OK to say no even if you’re negotiating something. 

Things to discuss:
Health information & STI's
How you react to play-are you a crier, a laugher, become non-verbal?
Drop- do you get it? How do you handle it?
Experience-be honest about your prior experiences
Protection-who’s bringing it?
Sexual contact- yes, no, maybe?
Aftercare- what do you need/want and what is the other person willing to provide
Unique needs
Communication-both during play and a relationship. What are your safewords/safe signals, what are your signs of distress, what do you look like when you’re having fun?