| Friend,
Is it ever okay to mingle with your students outside the dojo?
I’ve struggled with this issue for decades, and have reversed my opinion several times regarding whether it’s okay to socialize with students.
The reason why I bring this up today is because martial arts instructors sometimes get buddy-buddy with their students in hopes it will increase retention.
While some of you might think this is harmless, and while others of you might think that letting your students see another side of you is no big deal, after decades of dealing with students I'm of the opinion that it's always a mistake to get too cozy with them.
Not that you can't ever hang out with or interact with your students outside of class - it's just that you can't go buddying around with every student who walks in your front door.
Look, you may disagree with me but I've learned that it's never good to let your clients know too much about you personally. Not only is it unprofessional to let your students into your personal life, it's also an invitation to trouble.
Here's why...
SHATTERING THE IMAGE OF THE IMPLACABLE MASTER
Right now, the majority of your students see you as someone who is implacable, somewhat mysterious, and even a bit larger than life.
Why?
Well, hopefully not because you are playing Master Po to their Caine. You see, students tend to place their instructors on a pedestal without a whole lot of help or encouragement.
I don't always think that's a good thing, or even that it's healthy, because it's a situation that lends itself to students becoming disappointed down the road. When they find out that you're just a regular person who puts their gi pants on one pant leg at a time, it can result in disillusionment on the part of the student.
But for better or for worse, students will tend to worship you a little bit. There's nothing you can do to stop this, no matter how humble you are and how much you discourage them from doing it. Regardless, because of this you have an incredible responsibility to avoid disappointing your students.
The thing is, nobody's perfect, and I don't think you should act as if you are. However, everyone has times when they just don't have their collective crap together, which is why there's simply no reason to provide your students even the slightest opportunity to see you when you aren't at your best.
My advice is that it's better to keep a little mystique going about you in your students' minds, than it is to have them lose respect for you because they saw you get a little tipsy at the yearly awards dinner. So, keep your distance.
FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT
Is it a cliche? Yes. Is it true? Absolutely.
The fact is that the more time you spend with someone, the less respect and awe they are going to have for you. Unfortunately, this can have serious repercussions on your relationship with your students, causing them to completely lose respect for you.
Consider that not everyone shares your views on what is socially acceptable and what isn't. So, while some students may think it's fine to drink alcohol, drop a few curse words, or for you to date your students, others will be highly offended by such conduct and will use it as an excuse to leave your dojo.
For this reason, it's best to simply not cross that line in the first place. Speaking of which...
THE OPPORTUNITY FOR TEMPTATION
Look, everyone is human, and we are all susceptible to temptation. And, let's face it - sometimes students can mistake the admiration they have for their instructors for true love... which can make for a very awkward situation given the right (or wrong) circumstances.
(NOTE: Of course, I am speaking of adult students. I'm not even going to get into adult martial arts instructors who take advantage of underage students. I don't care how old he or she looks and acts - if a person crosses that line, they are a child rapist, plain and simple, and deserve every bit of jail time they get.)
Thankfully, I'm well past the age when my hormones influenced my every waking thought. However, I'm not going to say that I never succumbed to the temptations presented by an attractive female student who was flirting with me. This was long before I met Mrs. Massie, but even so, I still regret it.
Let me just tell you that it never turns out well when you date your students. It almost always makes for an unpleasant social dynamic on the training floor, and those weird vibes will definitely have an effect on the rest of your students.
Moreover, students gossip. And, if you give them fodder to talk behind your back, they will spread rumors and falsehoods about you that will hurt your reputation among the rest of your students. Heck, even allowing yourself a little "harmless" flirtation that goes nowhere can still spark rumors and speculation that you simply do not need in your dojo.
So, keep your relationships with your students well within the boundaries of professionalism at all times. Tomorrow I'll talk about what those boundaries should be and how they should be followed, but for now just consider if there are any areas in your interactions with your students that might need to be reevaluated.
If so, attend to it immediately before it gets out of hand. Doing so will save you more students than you lose by being standoffish with your students.
Until next time,
Mike Massie MartialArtsBusinessDaily.com
P.S. - Early on in my teaching career, one of the worst mistakes I made was when I dated an adult female student. After I realized I'd crossed a line, I tried to break it off and things went south, fast. That little mistake turned into months of stress and a lot of awkwardness in the classroom. Trust me, it's always a mistake to date your students. Don't do it!
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