Maybe you've heard about setting smart goals, and if so, you'll know that the goals need to be attainable. Apply the same thinking to your family gathering and get control of your own thoughts. Rein in that Hallmark movie fantasy. Or stop that downward spiral about toxic behavior in its tracks. You already know what’s reasonable to expect. When you adjust your mindset to something that’s realistic, you’re already ahead of the game.

2.Focus On Gratitude

Identify one positive thing or a reason to be thankful for each member of your family. I know you may be tempted to roll your eyes and skip past this one, but I hope you make it through and give it a try. When we intentionally focus on the good in someone else, on the value of their contribution, we interact more positively. 

Behavioral science tells us that gratitude can also improve our mental health. And it’s a lot easier to deal with unhealthy family dynamics with more positive mental health.

3. Differentiate Yourself

Remind yourself that you are part of your family, but you don’t have to be defined by them. You belong to many groups and your identity is not solely defined by any single relationship. You don’t have to fall back into old patterns if you want a different experience. What makes you different from the rest of your family? How have you grown or changed in ways that you feel good about? The answers to these questions will help you see yourself separately rather than wrapped up with everyone else.

4. Plan Ahead

If you’re asked an uncomfortable question, how will you respond? If conversation turns to a controversial topic, what will you say? If you start to feel anxious or angry or inadequate, what will you do? Maybe you need some canned answers, or maybe you need an exit strategy. Sometimes, you just need to take deep breaths and disengage.

Oh, that can be so hard to do! But most of the time, if we refuse to bite, everybody’s happier and definitely calmer. I wish I could explain how many times in my life I’ve had essentially the same conversation or argument with one family member. It’s ridiculous. Sometimes I joke that I could save us time and effort just by recording it and replaying it every time we get together. That’s laced with sarcasm of course, but honestly it just wears me out. Refusing to play along was the best decision I ever made.

5. Reflect

When it’s finally over and you pull out of the driveway or close the front door after everyone leaves, it’s a good time to rest. You made it!  Believe in the power of reflection. Think through what went well and what didn’t go as planned. What can you do at your next family function to make it more bearable…maybe even enjoyable?

6. Find A Way To Laugh

Always try to find humor in even the worst experiences–sharing it with a spouse or close friend can be cathartic. Sometimes this means we laugh at inappropriate times! 

Ann Voskamp calls laughter “oxygenated grace.", indeed, it is good for the soul and body.

7. Watch A Movie

Some people will think this is the best. Find a funny holiday movie about family dysfunction and feel better about your own mess. 

A beautiful quote by Terry Real, "Family dysfunction rolls down from generation to generation, like a fire in the woods, taking down everything in its path until one person in one generation has the courage to turn and face the flames,. That person brings peace to their ancestors and spares the children that follow"

Try to be that one person. There will be times when you feel the heat from the flames an you won't be sure if you have what it takes. Because change is hard. Disrupting a family system is incredibly difficult. But the last part of his quote is why you'll keep searching for water to fill your bucket and douse the flames: PEACE.

1. Say what we mean and mean what we say. Ask for clarification and apologize when what we communicated isn’t what we meant. Do better the next time.

Sometimes children get really frustrated if we don’t understand what they’re trying to communicate. Our questions–attempts to clarify and understand–irritate them and they just want the conversation to be over.Sometimes we get discouraged when the next time isn’t better…until it is. Repetition is key.

2. Talk about issues after we’ve had time to calm down.

 In the heat of an argument, nobody is thinking straight. We take some time, then find a peaceful resolution that’s honest, reasonable and fair.

Parenting can make our anger flare up more than anything else. Others may describe you as endlessly patient and helpful, but that definitely doesn’t always carry over to our own kids. We get those out of body experiences in the midst of an argument with our children…you know the ones…when we’re fully aware that we need to shut our mouth and walk away but we keep talking.

3. Dig to the heart of the matter rather than talking about things on the surface. This is almost always uncomfortable, but it’s always worth it.

Strong relationships develop between those willing to have really hard conversations over the years. It’s the healthy way to handle conflict, but it’s not easy to do. Love each other and value relationships enough to say when you’re upset or hurt. When we understand what’s really at the root of a problem, we can make progress and grow.

 Children won’t always tell us what’s really going on, but establishing a pattern of willingness to discuss difficult things will make some conversations more likely to happen in the future.