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When A Pastor's Wife FailsBy Lyndell Holtz
For a season I forgot God. I forgot His Word and His wisdom. And most certainly, I forgot His judgment. Oh, this lapse of memory did not happen overnight for seasoned Christians do not wake up one morning and decide to commit adultery. It comes about through a slow melting of one’s faith—something a stalking devil never misses.
Twenty years ago, I failed to be on “affair-alert” and Satan took advantage of my naiveté. I had been raised in an evangelical church, attended a Christian college, married a minister and was serving God, church, and community for twenty-plus years when I was blindsided by Satan’s schemes. I had naively believed that my position in ministry gave me special protection. Increasing my vulnerability was my view that adultery was a gross sin that I knew I was incapable of committing. Yet during a dry season where love waxed cold and numerous senseless tragedies occurred which led me to question and doubt the goodness of God, I let my guard down. Finding my marriage empty of comfort, I allowed a male friend to become more than “just friends.” The lies of Satan that I once rejected outright now became possibilities I not only entertained but ultimately engaged in.
Eighteen months later I was on my knees—broken by the sin of adultery—wailing my heart out on my kitchen floor. I did not end up with the other man; instead, I ended up with divorce papers. As my husband pulled out of our driveway, hauling behind him twenty-five years of marital history, I wept in despair and unbelief. This was not at all what I had wanted!
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| | Tweet This: I clearly saw that the sin of immorality had wrecked my life. Not once during this time did I prosper; rather, I diminished. |
| | I clearly saw that the sin of immorality had wrecked my life. Not once during this time did I prosper; rather, I diminished. I lost the respect of our four children; I lost my beautiful home; I lost my witness in the church and community; I lost financially; I lost my marriage. As a bird hastens to the snare [she] did not know it would cost [her] life (Proverbs 7:25). The pain over my losses began to pile up, and God’s Word began to hit home:
This is what the Lord says, why do you disobey the Lord’s commands? You will not prosper. Because you have forsaken the Lord, He has forsaken you (2 Chronicles 24:20)… A man of perverse heart does not prosper (Proverbs 17:20).
I was being repeatedly warned in God’s Word that if I continued down my rebellious path, my life would further diminish. Likewise, I knew that if I turned from my sin and trusted God that the reverse would happen: The ruins shall be rebuilt…and I will make you prosper more than before. Then you will know that I am the Lord… On the day I cleanse you from all your sins… the ruins shall be rebuilt… then the nations around you will know that I the Lord have rebuilt what was destroyed, and have replanted what was desolate (Ezekiel 36:12, 33, 36 emphasis added). This is prosperity! As I surveyed my own ruin, I came to the decision that I wanted God’s prosperity in my life more than I wanted my sin.
It all turned around when I dropped to my knees with God’s Word ringing in my ears: “On the day I cleanse you from all your sins...” There must be in our life an “On the day” moment we can point to! For everything that follows hereafter hinges, “On the Day.” And it was momentous for me. Even though I had been raised in an evangelical church and knelt at the altar many times seeking forgiveness, I felt that with this deep confession I was converted for the very first time. What made the difference? I had nothing more to lose, and I desperately beseeched God with godly remorse and repentance.
With gut-wrenching realness my confession poured out and it wasn’t pretty: I was a sinner. I was an adulterer. My entire life was a sham…and the pain that now engulfed me was my fault and exactly what I deserved. I saw clearly that because I “had made lies my refuge and in falsehood I had taken shelter” (Isaiah 28:15), my life was in shambles. I broke before God, crying out:
Have mercy upon me, O God…. For I acknowledge my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. Against You, You only have I sinned, and done this evil in your sight… (Psalm 51:3-4)
Either God would bestow mercy, in spite of the ugly, naked truth that vomited out of me, or He would find me so repulsive that He would strike me dead and put me out of my misery. Either way it mattered not, for the load of guilt, shame, and deceit was crushing me.
Today, my greatest love affair is with the One who did show mercy even though I deserved to be banished for all eternity. Supreme brokenness over what I had done, who I had become, and the consequences I faced was the wake-up call I needed to help me see that I needed a Savior! A Savior who could rescue me from sin’s bondage, renew my soul, and rebuild the ruins of my life.
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| | Tweet This: Today, my greatest love affair is with the One who did show mercy even though I deserved to be banished for all eternity. |
| On The Day the Lord cleansed me from all my sins, circumstances began to change, eventually leading to the fulfillment of His promise that the ruins shall be rebuilt. Three years later, a marriage that was completely dead was raised from its grave and completely restored—to the glory of God! David and I have now been re-married for 16 years. God has redeemed my life, restored a shattered heart to wholeness, and reconciled broken relationships.
As much as I would like to, I cannot delete the experience of adultery out of my heart and life. So I have dedicated it to God, asking him to use my worst defeat for His glory. Little did I dream of what He would call me to do. One day, several years ago, I sat at my desk as a very perplexed woman. I was torn over what I felt God was calling me to do: write a book about my story of adultery. Anxiety filled me. “Is this what you really want God? You want me to devote several hours a day to writing about this?” I had always dreamed of being an author— but this topic was not at all what I had fancied writing about! But I had been in turmoil over it for months, and I needed an answer.
One day as I pounded my defense before God in prayer, I heard the Holy Spirit say, “It is not your story I am asking you to tell; it is My story of redemption, restoration, and reconciliation that I have written upon a broken and ruined life!” Immediately, I capitulated. For I knew He was right, and all the fears and concerns I had over its telling slipped away. To tell the story of my descent into adultery and my ascent out of its ruin is a story I now love to tell—for it tells a story of a powerful love made visible in God’s marvelous story of redemption, restoration, and reconciliation. My pitiful story is an example of utter failure and abomination before God. When it was touched by God’s Story however, I witnessed a miracle that moved me from utter despair to undying devotion of Jesus Christ. It is a story I am compelled to tell to others—to strengthen those who have lost their way.
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| | Tweet This: My pitiful story is an example of utter failure and abomination before God. When it was touched by God’s Story however, I witnessed a miracle that moved me from utter despair to undying devotion of Jesus Christ. |
| Thus, my first book, Confessions of an Adulterous Christian Woman was published and, based upon the feedback I have received—from not only readers in America but from several other countries around the world—it’s apparent that it hit a nerve within the Christian Church. The Lord led me to do a follow up book that has recently been published through Pure Life Ministries called Adultery’s Kiss of Death: How something that feels so right can be so wrong. The message in both books can be summed up simply like this: Christians at an alarming rate are deserting their first love: Jesus Christ. And it is causing untold grief, regret, and ruin in the Kingdom of God.
I sit and weep at the stories I receive, and I realize why God has led me to write these books regarding such a delicate topic. I totally understand how we can be deceived and reach for adultery as a “way out” of whatever is making us unhappy; yet I cannot understand how its kiss of death does not drive adulterers to fall before the Savior in complete contrition, for He is waiting with open arms to show mercy and rebuild the ruins of their lives—as He has mine.
That is the Story I am compelled to share. To urge the fallen to fall before the One who can do the unthinkable in our lives after we have committed the unthinkable. Because of Jesus Christ—He can re-story our pitiful stories, for He never leaves us where He finds us. Let Him be the Author of your story and, in doing so, you will score a great victory by defeating Satan from having the last word.
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| | Lyndell Hetrick Holtz is an author and speaker regarding adultery’s devastation upon Church and Family but also of the powerful, healing love of God that can redeem, restore, and rebuild shattered lives in miraculous ways. Her first book, “Confessions of an Adulterous Christian Woman,” can be purchased on Amazon. Her latest book, “Adultery’s Kiss of Death” can be purchased on Amazon or through Pure Life Ministries. David and Lyndell reside in Brookville, PA and have 4 children and 10 grandchildren. She can be contacted via email at lyndellholtz@gmail.com.
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| Copyright © 2021 by Pure Life Ministries. Permission is granted to use, copy, distribute, or retransmit information or materials on this page, so long as proper acknowledgment is given to Pure Life Ministries as the source of the materials, and no modifications are made to such material.
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| | | | | Lyndell Holtz grew up surrounded by godly examples. She had a powerful experience with the Lord as a young girl, developing strong convictions about right and wrong. She eventually married an aspiring minister and began a life she thought was destined for happiness.
But after 20 years Lyndell found herself depressed and doubting, still aching for that happiness. It was these things that allowed the enemy to lead her to a place she swore she would never go – an adulterous relationship. But you’ll also hear how God took what the devil meant for evil and turned it for great good – in her own life, and in the lives of others.
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