The High Cost of Fear – Michael Edwards
If I am honest, I have fears. I quote scripture and try not to think about them because I know they will lead me in the wrong direction. But they are always there, lurking under the surface, waiting to lead me astray. Waiting to box me in, to confine me in a small cell of torment.
One of my most painful fears is the fear of intimacy, letting others in to close, even my spouse. We have been together for over 20 years and sadly when I look back, I have never let her get close to me. I did not even realize how painful this has been for her, nor did I realize I had been hurting her in this way. Recently, I have been diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome, an autism spectrum disorder that has as its hallmark an inability to be intimate or to socially interact with others in a normal manner along with a lack of empathy. It is super painful and hurtful for anyone married to a person with this issue while the person with Asperger’s is generally unaware of how they are affecting others.
Years ago, God told me, “When you run away from your fears is when you get beat up.” He was right, but I did not really listen. Instead of facing my fear of intimacy, I fed it by avoiding intimacy with anyone, hurt my wife greatly, and now there is a great price and suffering for both of us.
God told me this years ago too, “On the other side of the fear is the flow.” It took me years to connect his message with the promised land flowing with milk and honey. The promised land that the Jews refused to enter out of fear. Instead of believing God and facing their fear, they allowed their fear to beat them up and torment them until they died afraid in the wilderness.
God also spoke to me about addressing my fear way back when my life was totally out of control due to alcohol and drug issues.
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