How are you doing, Friend?
Imagine a conversation caught in an endless loop of defensiveness and blame-shifting.
Person A: Why are you yelling at me?
Person B: I’m not yelling. You’re just too sensitive.
Person A: I’m not too sensitive. You don’t realize how loud you’re being.
Person B: Well, I’m not raising my voice. You’re being
unreasonable. I’m only trying to explain why your vacation ideas won’t
work. Why can’t you admit when you’re wrong?
Person A: Vacations aren’t about right or wrong. They are
something we should both enjoy. You obviously don’t care how I feel. Now
I remember why I don’t like going on vacation with you.
Person B: Fine. You’re impossible to please. You take the vacation you want and I’ll go on mine. That’s the only way we’ll both be happy.
Who hasn’t responded with defensiveness? Being “defensive” is neither
good nor bad. But adding the “ness” indicates a general pattern of
over-protection that prevents people from feeling emotionally close. You
can guard against negativity and lies, but you can also guard against I feel shame and I don’t want to be known right now.
Matt
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