And that was the end of that conversation.
At first I was surprised because feeling-centered messages of pure appreciation usually work very effectively with men.
But, often the direct results of that kind of verbal appreciation-- especially in a medium like text-- can turn out… disappointing like this.
Despite knowing this, sometimes it happens to me too.
It took me a minute to get out of my feelings and think about why this went down this way.
I thought you might be interested in the breakdown.
He was totally uncertain of what to say and/or do in response.
So, he gives off the blatant impression that he doesn’t care… in response to my message THANKING HIM FOR BEING CARING in the first place.
Oh… the irony.
2. Historically my person has stated clearly that nothing he does seems good enough.
Not specifically in our relationship, but in LIFE.
When he says:
“because i didn’t know who to properly respond, liking the message seemed inappropriate somehow”
That is pure uncertainty about the proper response to an affectionate, emotional display of appreciation from me.
Because nothing seems good enough, he chose zero response (at least for the time being) instead.
If “nothing you do is good enough,” then the logical solution is to either a. Force yourself to act anyway and take a risk it won't be right or b. Do nothing (which is less safe but usually feels safer).
Most people in this low self worth double bind switch dramatically between one or the other.
When I drew attention to him doing a good job, his attention went away from doing "the job" and toward insecurity about what to do now that a good job had been done.
3. “Not now” did not mean he was never going to respond.
After hearing nothing back for longer than I expected, I was surprised and worried. My anxiety rose. I decided to act out my anxiety and ask directly despite having other options.
My expectation is key here.
And it's not wrong to have expectations.
It's also important to think about your expectations vs the reality before letting yourself say or do something that could hurt the relationship.
In fact, if I had been more clear headed and called “coach me” up for a consultation, I would have told myself to be quiet. I would have waited until he responded to the original message.
And that’s what I’d tell you to do also if you decided to go out on a limb like this in the first place.
But, because I also need Elizabeth Stone’s help-- I did not do that.
I asked why he hadn’t responded before he put together a response on his own-- which I’d be willing to bet would have been much more flattering and cute than “didn’t know what to say and got busy with work.”
Rushing people to share their feelings, especially the tender and vulnerable relationship-y ones is NEVER recommended-- especially when we are anxious.
Over and over again I learn that PATIENCE is a secret ingredient in living happily with a man.
Since I didn't wait longer, I don't know what he would have done on his own.
His own anxiety made him pull and mine led me to push. See the problem here?
Now, I don’t share this to be hard on him or myself. After all, this all started because I was thanking him, lol.
After that anxious 20 hours, he went right back to making me feel cared for which had prompted the message in the first place.
And.. if you want to understand men better, stay tuned because I’ve put together more about this coming soon.
Talk soon,
Elizabeth
