For the last half-dozen years or so, our little family has enjoyed a newer tradition of writing a proverbial Wish List and then leaving it at the bottom of our stocking. We forget all about it until we finish opening that last present a year later and reach in to find the hopes, dreams, and goals we thought we wanted a year earlier.
Last year was so incredible. I didn't really achieve anything on the list, but so many unexpected blessings unfolded, I had to write a Gratitude List before I could even think about dreaming into the next year.
So, this year, I invited everyone to add an extra step to our tradition.
What if we filled these ornaments up with strands of paper, each of which had a moment, person, or achievement
that has made our lives sparkle a little more?
We'll add them to our tree every year
and build a family legacy of Sparkling Gratitude.
While everyone began painting (more like fighting with explosive acrylic markers), I wrote and wrote and wrote some more. One strand of paper after another, I marveled at how it made no sense to my human mind...
This year has been an absolute wrestling match between
working toward the Wish List (what I thought I wanted)
and surrendering to the Time/God List (what I needed).
I imagined myself creating at my desk,
but spent more time grieving in soft chairs.
I imagined myself inspiring on stages,
but spent more time crying on couches.
I imagined deeply connecting with others,
but spent more time cozying up to my truer self.
When I say "wrestling match," I am not exaggerating. This high-performing helper was downright determined...
to make that list happen...
to keep all commitments to self and others...
to make good on the profound gifts of the year before...
For the first half of the year, I pressed forward and pushed onward, despite the fact that every project and person in my life told me in one way or another that I should just surrender.
Something else wanted to happen.
Something else needed to happen.
I was Worthy of the Rebirth...
but I couldn't have it without the Death.
And this type of Death takes Time.
Letting go of a sense of self that disappeared with a core wound. Grieving the loss of the business that walked me home to myself. Accepting that the years of morning and evening hugs from the son I love the most are complete.
When I finally surrendered, I knew it would only be a matter of Time... that this is just a chapter... even though it feels like The End.
As the year wraps up, I am metric tons lighter emotionally, wondering what the cost would have been if I had gotten what I wanted (bubbling and busy life, impacting others) instead of what I needed (Time to be present to the death and transmutation of a core part of myself).
Now, one thing I know for certain is that I was not traveling the webbed valley of the shadow of death alone.
Many of my clients, colleagues, and loved ones visited the valley this year too. Some walked straight through while others set up tents for longer stays. As they came and went, they all reported that it was the darkest it's been in a long time and there was nothing they could do but surrender to it.
My bet is that many of you reading this
have visited the valley this year
in one way or another.
Maybe it was a goal that kept moving further away. Maybe it was a relationship that ruptured. Maybe it was a generational story that gripped you. Maybe it was a financial foundation that failed. Maybe it was a loss that you still cannot articulate.
No matter what it was, I see you.
I honor the gritty human part that wrestles.
And I bow to the grace-giving part that knows that we all are living in a Web of Time, spun by One that wants to give us what we want but knows that we won't really enjoy it unless we are given what we need first.
You are Worthy of the Rebirth, and you are not alone in the valley.
See, I'm right here with ya...
Come cozy up by my campfire
and cry if it helps.
And for those of you who had a
bubbling, busy life impacting others,
I am celebrating with YOU!
Happy Rebirth Year, my friends!
p.s. The dawn is beginning to break just over the mountain, and I'm looking forward to sharing where I think this next chapter is going to take us. Yes, you. All of you. Ya know, if you wanna come too!
p.p.s. At Saved By Story, we're hosting a "co-author in community" event in January. Check out the details below and let me know if you'd like to join us!
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