This past weekend I shared a story with a friend. She identified with my experience and felt it was important to share with other women. Here goes...
It all started because I was in pain.
Physical pain in my knee and my hip. I was limping markedly and struggled to throw a leg over my motorcycle to ride. Walking was the most painful thing for me. The only time that I didn't hurt, was when I rode my motorcycle.
I decided it was time to visit an orthopedic surgeon to find out why my knee and hip were hurting so much. I'd had a full knee replacement in 2012. I wondered if the implant had failed. X rays were taken, the physician tested my leg. The doctor informed me that the knee implant was fine. The problem was the outside ligaments of my knee somehow stretched, causing instability and pain in my knee. That knee instability in turn stressed my hip, which developed tendinitis, and was now quite weak and painful.
The surgeon suggested two options. Either wear a hinged knee brace or have a revision surgery to my knee. I didn't like either option. After 22 orthopedic surgeries, the last thing that I wanted was have yet another surgery. As he left the room, the physician casually remarked, "This is not the cause of your problem, but you are overweight." I already knew each pound of weight we carry translates into 4-6 LBS of impact on the knee. As I limped out of the doctor's office, I realized, there are a lot of things that I cannot control. But my health, and my weight is something within my control.
The next day, I made an appointment with Metabolic Research Center, a company that would help me with a high protein, low fat, low carbohydrate dietary program. I was simultaneously excited and disgusted with myself. Disgusted that I had allowed my weight to creep up to such an unhealthy level and excited to have made a decision to move forward and take care of myself.
When I met with the MRC consultants. I set a goal of releasing 35 pounds. It was July, I was riding motorcycles, traveling, leading tours and teaching lessons. Believe it or not, that made it easy to stick to the program. I carefully packed meals and didn't carry anything extra on my bike. I wasn't in the house, close to the refrigerator and pantry sitting around watching TV. It was pretty easy to stick to this program, especially since my hunger was sated and I had lots of energy.
Weight came off quickly. In four months, I reached that 35-pound goal. I was pleased at the progress I'd made. Yet when I looked at myself, I knew that I had more to shed. That's when I said to the MRC consultant, "Let's finish this!" and set a new goal. Little did I know what that simple statement, "Let's finish this!" would bring up.
It was then I realized I had reached a weight threshold that I had not crossed since I was 17 years old, when I felt strong, healthy, and beautiful. Shortly after turning 18, I was raped. Not surprisingly my weight shot up dramatically. Unconsciously I made the decision that "lean and beautiful was not safe." "Fat and ugly was safe."
Throughout my adult life, my weight repeatedly went up and down. I tried to live a healthy lifestyle. Unconsciously, I wore my weight as protective "body armor." I erroneously believed it kept me safe. Now this journey to release physical pain blessed me with the opportunity for deeper healing and release of emotional pain.
I'm not going to lie to you and say that it was pretty or easy. It was messy! Really messy! I committed to sticking with what was coming up. Energetically I slipped into my 18-year-old self. As fate would have it, I traveled to South Carolina, where the assault occurred. It's crazy how the visceral experience of "returning to the scene of the crime" brought up repressed rage and hurt. I'm eternally grateful that my wife and my family, unknowing participants in my healing experience, love me despite how I showed up.
The beauty of it all, is that I got to complete the experience in a very different manner. I was raped when I was 18. I had just left home, was uncertain, lonely, scared, and fiercely committed to "making it on my own." I had the knowledge and wisdom of an 18-year-old, or rather lack thereof. I had little to no spiritual connection to a higher power.
Things are very different for me now. I am a seasoned 60-year-old adult woman who has experienced life in so many wonderful and challenging ways. I have released pain and many beliefs that do not serve and are not true. I possess womanly wisdom. My super-power is my connection and relationship with Spirit. This higher power grounds me, supports me, and reminds me who I am, all is love, and that I am always safe, loved, and supported in my highest and best.
I rescued my 18-year-old self stuck back in that dark, frightening parking lot. I brought her home with me. I love her and honor her each day. I created a completely different outcome for us from that long-ago experience.
In the midst of it, it wasn't pretty. In "Daring Greatly," Brene' Brown insists "you have to be face down in the arena in the mud and the muck. That's where the real magic happens." That's where the magic happened for me, processing the experience from the perspective of who I am now. And, truthfully, who I have always been. Back then, I just didn't realize who I was. I have completed this experience with a radically different, healthier result.
I'm so grateful for my beautiful, strong, healthy, body which is much more comfortable, vibrant, and vital. Thanks in equal parts to shedding weight (41 LBS at the time of this writing,) a tendinitis relieving hip injection, physical therapy and working out, my body is mostly pain free. My journey is not complete. I continue to release what is not mine. Mindfully, I choose the words "release" or "shed" as opposed to "lost" or "loose." I do not intend to "find" this weight again. I vision my svelte, toned, healthy body supporting me for the rest of my life.
Emotionally and spiritually I'm in a great place of peace. I'm grateful for the immeasurable love and support I receive from my wife, Cindy Robbins. Grateful for deep Spiritual support from Rev. Patty Rumpza, teachings of Science of Mind and Spirit; and Sri Bhagavan, founder of Oneness University. Grateful for love and support of my family of origin and family of friends. I'm most grateful for the intuition and guidance of my coach and friend, Christy Belz. Thank you.
I'm excited for the future! Namaste.
See You on the Trail - Pat
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