Subject: self punishment - how we do it

Self Punishment - How We Do It

In this third article on self-punishment, we're going to be

looking at the specific ways we punish ourselves.

HOW we do it.

These are the things we actually DO to punish ourselves.

1. We deny ourselves the fun and success and happiness that life

has to offer.

Because we've been programmed so intensely to believe we're

supposed to suffer, and because we're not supposed to enjoy our

lives, this method of self-punishment is very common.

I mean, come on, how many people do you know who are both

successful AND happy? We've all learned you can have one,

or the other, (maybe!) but certainly not both.

And what does it mean to have fun? Usually, we default to the

adolescent's version of fun, which often involves inebriation

to excess.

"Let's see how much we can drink! Let's see who pukes first!

What fun!"

I would say fun could best be defined as - "feeling the wonder

of being alive".

And how many people will let themselves feel that? For most

of us, life has become a drudgery of getting through the day.

So we can somehow get through the next day.

And speaking of success... sometimes we'll ALMOST let ourselves

succeed, and then at the last second, everything falls apart.

We almost get there - then we end up being denied. This is a

classic symptom of shame, and it's also a way we use to punish


When we want something so strongly...

When we work so hard to get it...

When we do everything we can possibly think of...

and we still fall short - it's often due to shame and


And what ends up happening? We 'learn our lesson' - and stop

trying, stop wanting, stop desiring, and end up cynical and


We might not give up wishing, but usually that's as far as it

goes. We'll fantasize, but we 'know' it's not really going to


Then we end up becoming "the person who never has any fun, the

person who's never happy, the person who can never succeed".

We tell ourselves these types of stories, and use those stories

as a container to hold the bitterness, the pain, the suffering,

that comes from this type of self-punishment.

"I probably didn't deserve it anyway."

Those types of statements become the receptacles of our pain.

Because our pain always needs a receptacle. It's always held

in some sort of container.

2. We embrace self-ridicule, self-rejection and humiliation.

I'll put myself down before you have a chance to do it to me.

"Look how stupid I am!"

Or, I'll humiliate myself. Or else I'll just outright reject

myself. Reject my thoughts and feelings, my desires, my

imagination... Reject my dreams. Reject my worth. Reject

any number of things about myself.

Because maybe then, if I reject myself, it won't hurt as bad

when you reject me. Or so I believe.

This all goes back to punishing myself as a way to avoid the

punishment (or rather - to avoid the THREAT of punishment) from

others. I get so afraid someone else MIGHT punish me, that I

do it to myself first.

3. Another similar form of self-punishment involves the DIRECT

avoidance of the punishment of others.

For example, we may get caught in the maze of projection and

identification - where every person becomes mother or father,

and I become the child.

Or we get caught in the downward spiral of always seeking the

approval of others.

Or maybe we get stuck in the trap of outside validation, where

we need the trappings of success - money, cars, a nice home - as

a substitute for our esteem. Or we need the perfect body or the

perfect mate or the perfect kids or the perfect friends.

And finally, we can get caught in the web of addiction to excess -

whether it's work or drugs or drinking or any number of obsessions

that end up punishing ourselves as a way to avoid the potential

punishment of others.

4. We inflict outright pain on ourselves.

This is very common. Many people end up hurting themselves in

some way, either through emotional, physical, or mental pain.

Often times, we'll create unpleasant or unbearable situations in

our lives, so it seems like it's not our fault. Then we can always

point a finger at the other person or the outside event as the

'cause' of our own pain.

Some common examples include working a job your hate, being with

someone who creates problems in your life, and living in a place

that doesn't suit you.

We can create bad situations and then say we DIDN'T create them -

and therefore, we can't possibly change them!

That's why it's so vitally important to remember...


Sometimes, (but NOT always!) the best option is to move, or quit

that job, or leave that abusive person.

That way, you can have the time to clear your head, get some

space, and start honestly looking at your present patterns.

So you can change INSIDE.


One of the best ways to begin that inner change is to learn the

'ins and outs' of reality creation. Then you can see clearly

WHAT you're doing to keep that present pattern in place.

For more information, go to -


5. We deny our self love and the love from others.

This is similar to the first two methods of self-punishment.

We just will not let in the love. But because love is everywhere,

it's like being in a submarine under the water. We know the water

is out there, but we can't touch it. Besides, if we sprung a leak,

it could kill us. We'd drown at the bottom of the sea. To stay

'safe', we must stay in our submarine.

Usually, the denial of love starts early in life. As a child,

we develop many beliefs about and around love. Love means I

suffer for others. Love means I sacrifice. Love means I don't

get what I want, so someone else can get what THEY want. And

sometimes, sadly, love means I get abused.

We often attach ugly meanings to love.

"Well why should I put up with all that? I think I'll just

stay away from love."

I end up denying love because I've come to believe love equals

something unpleasant. Then it becomes like - "damned if I do,

and damned if I don't". I can either punish myself by denying

love (because I equate it with pain) or else I can punish myself

by embracing a painful twisted version of love.

6. We deny our Creator and spirituality.

If this is our preferred method of self-punishment then we may

talk the talk, but we don't walk the walk. It's easy to say

you're a spiritual person, or a religious person, but still

lack the personal relationship with any type of divine energy.

It's easy to turn your place of worship into a networking

opportunity, or some sort of duty and obligation - going

through the motions but not really touching the WONDER of

your Creator.

Also, it can be downright hard to let in the help from above,

for so many reasons. We can say the words, but not really feel

the energy. We can end up denying a living, breathing

spirituality - which is always a two-way street. Meaning -

We give, and we also receive. And our Creator gives to us and

receives from us.

From my experience, true spirituality is something you can almost

taste in your mouth - because it's so plump and juicy and rich

with energy. To deny yourself this energy has to be self-punishing.

Because spirituality is such a personal experience, there's not

much more I'd want to say about it, except this: it's never too

late to start developing a relationship; it's never too late to

ask for help.

And as for the other self-punishing actions, I'd suggest learning

how you're already creating your own reality. That way you can

make adjustments as needed. Just go to -

Next time, we'll look at how to a few more details on how

to end the self-punishment.

Anyway, as always, if you're interested in a little help, I'll be

glad to work with you personally. Not with the spirituality,

but with all the other reasons why you might punish yourself.

Just go to -

all the best,


Mark Ivar Myhre

The Emotional Healing Wizard

PS - Imagine what it's like to talk to someone who's already

been through what you're suffering from, and has found the

way out. Just go to -